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How to Get Over a Break Up – The Healthy Way!

Hey y’all! First off, congrats to my recent blog giveaway winners – Rachel Meadows, Savana Geringer and Valerie Vasquez. I had 149 people successfully enter and I continue to be so grateful for the support I have received since launching my personal blog outside of the Southern Jewlz blog.

I’ve been shooting new fashion looks the past two days to share with y’all next, but since I haven’t done a “writing” type of a blog in a little bit, I wanted to speak about something that is near and dear to my heart. From my experience at Southern Jewlz, I get to work with and mentor lots of young ladies as they naturally come to me for help or guidance through their college years and shortly after. I have recently been asked by a few followers how I handled going through break ups in the past, and I am ready to share in hopes to help somebody who may be struggling in that department. Just starting to type this blog can make me think back to so much pain and heartache that others have caused me in the past. It makes me cherish my current place of life and the special relationships that make me feel so loved. But the best part about reminiscing over the past? I can truly say that I LOVE AND VALUE MYSELF now more than ever (but still a work in progress) because of all that has happened to me. So sit back and hang with me. I’ll try to keep this as to the point as possible because Grant told me that some of my blogs can be too long and I may lose readers along the way. But the most important bullet point just may be the one that I share last!

1. Accept that the break up is for good – The less gray area the better. How many people can think of a time where someone has said “we are on a break” but acted as though it wasn’t the same as a “true break up”? This is what I personally tried to avoid. I’m not a very black and white kinda girl (y’all know I color outside of the lines and love to blend colors and such), but when it comes to the end of a relationship, and I’m talking boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, employee, workplace, etc., I personally require a vivid ending. I always would catch myself getting more hurt or even lead on through so much more pain and suffering than needed to happen whenever I would place a break up in a gray area. So my first piece of advice is if the relationship is ended or needs to end, then make it black and white to both parties that the relationship is over. I will say black and white was always way easier with ex boyfriends than ex friends or employees. Those relationships would last and stay in the gray area longer. When there is a relationship that I want to distance from without the drama, I just let time takes its course. And remember to make your decisions of black/white, gray, etc. when you are at a clear place. Low emotion means high intelligence, but high emotion usually means low intelligence.

2. If you get back together at any point during the break up – pay very close attention! Even though I’m a total black and white kind of girl whenever it comes to break ups, I also am in support of people getting back together. Sound a little conflicting to what I typed above? Then let me clarify that I personally believe if both parties (or maybe just really one party, but they convince the other party) agree to get back together, this is where the reassurance can happen. I know in my past, I have mended and gotten “back together” with a boyfriend and even a friends that I had broken up with. The beautiful part about getting back together is you either 1) Remember why you two broke up (meaning now you know for good that the relationship is OVERRRRR) or 2) You realize that either you or the other party has changed for the better and now the relationship has a chance to work correctly this time. Because sometimes when people lose a person in their life, they truly can change for the better for themselves with the end goal to mend the relationship. And other times, time can heal all wounds. And sometimes two people need time not together before being together will work. God is the one in control and timing is sooooo important! For me personally, the “get back together” stage made me realize why the break up happened in the first place. And then I would be REALLY ready to start letting go and moving forward.

3. Ok so some of you may not have needed #1 or #2 because you KNOW the relationship is over and you are NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER (yes, totes quoting T Swift here! The first thing that I personally suggest is to remove them from all social media and even consider blocking their number. This may sound dramatic, but it will keep you from spending time trying to stalk their page or texting/calling them when you shouldn’t. I vividly remember the beginning of my last boyfriend break up. Blocking everything social media and his phone number was the best thing because it MADE me have to start separating. We are all human and guilty of creeping where we shouldn’t be or maybe even getting a little brave with a few cocktails in us. So I say just remove all avenues that will only lead to destruction by REMOVING THEM. Just do it. If you’re really broken up, what are you holding on to? Tell a friend you are doing this to help keep you accountable, then you’re less likely to add them back. And if you can responsibly still keep them as an active follow and contact in your phone – then good for you! You must give into the devil’s temptation not nearly as easily as I can. God can’t place the RIGHT person in your life if you’re blocking him by holding onto the WRONG person. And again, this goes for far more than just dating relationships! Now I will say again the gray area relationships or those that just distanced themselves over time, I did not have to dramatically remove from my life on every platform. But ex-boyfriends – oh yes, just do it. It will truly make the recovery time quicker!

4. Spend some time at home/where you feel at home. If you’re younger, go see your parents and family for the weekend. Go get caught up on time that you may have missed while in a relationship. Maybe the place where you “feel most at home” is calling your name. That might be your local coffee shop, your Church, your office, your own home, your friends home – wherever that place of feeling “at home” exists, GO THERE!

5. Catch up on QT with your OG’s. Ok besides the fact that I sound super hip and very millennial like here, let me break it down further. Go spend some quality time with your REAL friends. I can only speak for myself, but whenever I was in the wrong relationships in the past, I nurtured them more at the time than I did the RIGHT relationships that were in my life. Thank God my real people (my OG’s) never dropped me for it. If you’re newly single, you need to be surrounded by a deep rooted system of people. And this includes the friends who have always and will always be there for you. These are the people who you may not talk to every day, but they will always be there for you. They truly love you, only want the best for you, and they will encourage and help you through this temporary pain and change happening in your life. To my “Real OG’s” – you know who you are – thanks for keeping me strong at my base when I needed it the most!

6. Invest in yourself! Rise to make yourself better! Because once you’re officially “over it”, you’ll be proud to move on. This may include working out, reading, going to therapy, setting some new personal goals, spending more time doing your favorite hobbies, traveling, etc. But I suggest to at least find one thing that gets your mind off the of the situation while improving yourself! For me, that’s where my fitness journey came in! Probably now makes total sense that I began my entire “lifestyle change” 3 1/2 years ago and Grant and I have almost been together for 3. The timeline adds up!

7. Plan something that you will look forward to. I think this is a MUST even if you’re NOT going through a break up. I know personally that I am more driven, energetic, disciplined and overall just a happier person when I have things to look forward to. When I was done with my last boyfriend and 2 of my at-the-time girlfriends all at the same time, Emily and I booked a trip to Mexico. I still love to have things to look forward to like the upcoming Aggie Football season, setting personal and career goals to achieve, and hopefully getting to plan a 1 year anniversary trip with my husband! For you it may include time with your therapist, a trip with your mom, or a getaway with your girlfriends. But everyone needs to be able to look forward to something – especially those who are going through a break up. Planning something also requires commitment – but the good kind of commitment for the broken hearted.

8. Let go of regret or anger. That person or relationship is in the past. Let it go. Don’t be mad at yourself. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t be angry with yourself because this only blocks joy from coming in. The goal is to get happy again, so that doesn’t allow room for regret or anger!

9. Try to understand the purpose that they served your life. Appreciate it and learn from it! I’ll be transparent here and say that one of my previous relationships started out where I gave 0% effort and was chased super hard. Now that was flattering and all at the beginning, but then this taught me to expect it and to not give or really put in any effort on my side. I didn’t really understand this at the beginning of that break up, but with time the pieces started to fit together. And even though I do not want to go back to that time of my life – I sure am glad I got to live and learn from it. Because by the time Grant came around I had learned that I would need to be prepared to put in my 50% of the relationship. And I actually was the one who chased Grant which was the complete opposite of my past. But learning that I would need to put in my work and effort (combined with the fact that Grant is literally the most handsome guy in my eyes), I just gave it all I had with no regrets. Before my bad break up, I was a workaholic who thought guys would flock to me and do everything I wanted them/asked them to do. And now I know differently. I mean I even closed my store front to put Grant in front of my career. Thinking back to the girl I was before getting humbled down through that break up – I would have never even thought about re-directing my company for a relationship. Boy oh boy and I proud of myself for choosing the route that I did! So a recap moral of the story – be thankful for the lesson that you learn about yourself and the other party through a break up. Because that exact lesson just may be what you need to land your one true love!

10. Don’t be mean. Don’t be vindictive. Don’t get even. Don’t even entertain any of it. Be so busy building the best possible version of yourself that you forget to even care abut competing, comparing or checking in to stalk their instagram (because remember, I advise that you already have them blocked/removed). Out of sight for me means out of mind.

11. Now I know this is so much easier said than done, but think of the big picture and even of the future. Who do you want to be? Where do you want to go in live? What type of friends do envision for yourself? What types of attributes do you want your husband/wife to possess? I personally struggled to think of the long term while I was hurting during certain times in my life. But now looking back, what I have is exactly what I wanted for myself. And I had to go through and learn from the WRONG relationships to have my wonderful husband and my “wolf pack” type of friends. But if you can look into what you would want your future to look like – maybe this will help you to let go of what doesn’t fit. Your life is what you make of it and who you include in it. Choose them wisely 🙂

12. Be aware of rebounds. This doesn’t just mean be aware of getting a rebound boyfriend after you break up with your long time boyfriend. This also means to beware of friends who come flocking to you after you’ve ended your friendships/relationships. Sometimes the people that show up during that time aren’t always showing up for the right reasons. Stick to your roots.

13. DO NOT SETTLE. I repeat. DO NOT SETTLE. If you’re even “questioning” if you’ve settled, then the answer is probably yes. Keep in mind the things that you want and the way you want people to make you feel. I don’t need to do a whole lot of elaborating or explaining here. But I know in the past when I would question “is this right?” and if I could envision something else/something better for myself, then I already knew the answer. And now that I’ve lived a little more life, I’ve learned that normally when I question things, my gut is normally trying to talk to me and give me a sign. Don’t ignore your gut feeling, don’t ignore what you deserve and NEVER EVER SETTLE. I personally wanted someone who was very driven, accountable, respected, one who challenged me to be better, one who helped push me to be the best version of myself that I could be, one that made me PROUD to introduce, one that loved me and supported me through every victory and every failure. I remember when Grant and I first started dating, I couldn’t wait to introduce Grant to all of my family and friends and make it FBO (Facebook official) because I was sooooooo proud of the man I got to call mine!

14. Take the high road! I know I talked earlier about not being mean, taking the high road means not even reacting when you easily could just try to defend yourself. I can think of employees who left on bad terms or ex-friends who would try to talk badly about me or my business to bring me down. It was sooooo hard right at the time of the break up to take the high road. People are much more likely to react to the drama at first, but the high road taker Simply avoids the unnecessary drama. Taking the high road can take a lot of patience and security, but stay true to your morals, beliefs, and try to lift yourself and others up rather than tearing the ones who hurt you back down. Removing and getting on the high road journey WILL pay out in the end. You will be proud of how you handled the situation and the truth always comes out. Sometimes these things take longer than we want and unfortunately there is no immediate “prize” for entering the high road lane, but it is a path very much worth taking. Being 30 and looking back on my past, I can say that I am so proud I stayed strong and was a high road kind of a girl!

15. Be Honest. Be truthful to yourself and to others involved. This may seem as though it will cause more short term harm, but staying true to your words is soooooo very important. The truth always comes out, so staying honest will alleviate a lot of issues for even yourself. One lie turns into another and then another, so just avoid a drama whirlwind by being an honest person. If you loved or cared for somebody in the past, they at least deserve the truth.

16. Pray. I saved this one for last because it is probably the most important in my eyes. Let God guide you and assist you with your worries, questions, doubts, insecurities and anything else you may be feeling. A break up is a huge transition in your life! Plenty talking time alone with God can help lead you in the right way above all. Wanna know the consequence for not being truthful to yourself, chasing those intuitions or listening to God’s calling? That could turn into remorse or regret later in your life.

Ok I sure hope that wasn’t too long to bore or lose any of you. I know this is such a bold topic and there can be so many different ways to look at things, but I am just sharing my own personal thoughts and advice that has worked for me due to my own journey. I hope if anybody is going through pain and heartache from a relationship that this may give you some guidance and hope. But I would LOVE to hear your feedback below! My prayer is that my words help at least one person. Because being able to help, direct or even change a life for the better is one of my purposes on this earth!

Now get ready to check back for some super cute new fashion posts soon! And be sure you’re following me on instagram to stay up with the latest!

xo,

5 Comments

  1. Reply

    Cydnye Couthran

    August 17, 2017

    This is one of my most favorite so far. I love how REAL you are when writing. Even though I’m not going through a break up, it makes me think of how I could have handled things differently in the past. I have shared this blog post on my Facebook in hopes that someone else gets just as much out of it. Keep them coming, girl. ??

  2. Reply

    Sheila Okonski

    August 18, 2017

    Wow Randa this is exactly what I needed to hear! I broke up with my boyfriend of 12 years a week ago. It was a unhealthy toxic relationship and also very heartbreaking at the same time. I had to give it to God because I knew He was the only one that could get me through this along with family and friends. Thanks for the great advice, I’m sure I will re-read this blog more than once as I go through this break up. You are a jewel! Love you! Sheila

  3. Reply

    Linda Johnson

    August 18, 2017

    Hey, this is really good sweetie! Love you!

  4. Reply

    Ashley Kate

    September 6, 2017

    I read this over and over again when I have my “down days”. Thank you so much for this and the reminders you throw in there. You have no idea how much it’s helped!!

  5. Reply

    Stephanie Gomez

    May 31, 2019

    This is exactly what I needed to read today. Yesterday I found out my boyfriend of nearly 2 years cheated on me and it’s been very hard for me to process this. I thought he was going to be my forever, but I was wrong. Thank you for this Randa, it is much appreciated.

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